I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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