We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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