fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
