He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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