My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
