that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
