Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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