got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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