blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
