How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
