I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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