im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
