I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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