I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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