I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
