bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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