What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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