i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
