Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
