I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
