just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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