How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
