Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
