Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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