I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
