something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
