if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
did i just pee glitter
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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