I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
