Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
