you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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