I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
