i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
