All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
