My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
