i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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