I wish they made helmets for livers.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
