I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
