I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
