Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
