Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
