Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
