our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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