I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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