tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
