So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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