I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
