my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
