I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
