Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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