So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
